Dating As A Demisexual: How Does It Work?

Dating as a demisexual: how does it work?
Photo by Valentin Antonucci on Unsplash

What does it mean to identify as a demisexual? And how does this identification play into relationships?  To understand this identification and attraction, it’s important, first and foremost, to understand what the term ‘demisexual’ actually means.

If you identify as a demisexual, that means your sexual orientation is based upon close connections or emotional attachments. In simpler terms, if you identify as this, you’re only sexually attracted to someone you have a deep emotional bond with.

So… if you love someone, you find them attractive?

Yes and no. A demisexual’s attraction isn’t necessarily rooted in love or romance. Sometimes this bond can be developed by platonic friendships, too.

It’s all about the bond—and that doesn’t need to have romantic love at the core.

Why the Label?

Sexual orientation helps us understand who we’re attracted to and why. As we pursue a potential relationship, orientation also helps us realize, on a basic level, whether we’re a good match for someone based on their desires or goals.

A demisexual has attraction to a select group of people. Being able to not only identify that, but have clarity on it, can help you—whether you identify that way, or are seeking out a relationship with someone who identifies that way—to connect.

Understanding Personality & Attachments

Our sexual orientation and attraction is largely dependent upon our personalities.

When we put personality at the forefront, it helps us understand the ‘why’ behind our attraction. And for demisexuals in particular, that ‘why’ is the core of whether or not a relationship will work.

If you can’t have an emotional bond with someone, you can’t feel attracted to them. If you can’t feel attracted to them, then there’s no basis for a relationship. 

That’s how a demisexual sees the dating world. 

Understanding this realm of thinking and approaching connections is essential in order to form the basis of a relationship. Without the ability to be emotionally vulnerable and attached, there’s no desire to pursue.

 How to Navigate Dating If You Identify As a Demisexual

If you identify as a demisexual, it’s of utmost importance to reflect your value of emotional connections as you meet and engage with people. You want to find someone who understands emotional intimacy and the role it plays in attraction. You also want to be transparent about your desire to dig deep—which some people may shy away from.

Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Try to be as open as possible about your preferences, intentions, and emotions as early as possible. Navigating the dating world can be challenging! There is an extra layer of difficulty when two partners are not being fully honest with one another. Try, as much as possible, to be open about how you feel and where you stand. This will help to avoid issues of trust and honesty as you move forward in your relationship. It can also help to weed out people who don’t align with your values or intentions.
  2. Listen to your heart (and your head). As a demisexual, you may be inclined to follow your heart (emotions) first. While this is valuable, don’t neglect your rational thinking!
  3. Take your time developing connections. As a demisexual, you are driven by, and deeply connected to people with whom you jive emotionally. Remember, though, that emotional commitment takes time. Online dating can be superficial at times. Be patient with yourself and your potential partner as you get to know him/her. Don’t try to rush something — what’s right will always take time.
  4. Don’t change yourself for someone else. You are you. And you don’t have to apologize for that. Don’t try to be someone else for the sake of an emotional bond or connection. The right person will value you for you.

How To Date A Demisexual

If you are pursuing someone who identifies as a demisexual, it’s important to be cognizant of his or her feelings. You also have to take an honest look at yourself and decide if you’re willing to be emotionally open and upfront, as this will be the foundation your potential connection grows from.

Here are a few tips:

  1. Examine your own intentions before jumping in. Before even jumping into online dating or pursuing someone, ask yourself, “What am I looking for?” Answering this question will help you know your own intentions so that you can properly convey them to your potential partner.
  2. Be upfront about what feels right – or what doesn’t. Honesty is always the best policy. Be open about how you feel, what you’re looking for, and what you’re comfortable with. If something feels right, lean in! If it doesn’t, make sure to convey that to your partner to avoid (both of you!) getting hurt.
  3. Don’t compromise yourself to make someone happy. Don’t feel that you have to change yourself to be loved or accepted by your demisexual partner. If the emotional bond isn’t there –  don’t force it. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or him/her. It just means you aren’t right for one another!

There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to date, to connect, or to identify.

The most important thing you can do as you navigate the dating world is to be transparent about who you are and how you feel.

You can start by learning more about yourself and your personality in order to understand who you’re most compatible with. Take our FREE test to dive into your identity and learn how you match with others!

Birdy is a personality matching app that helps you navigate compatibilities in order to connect with people who are aligned with you! Rather than superficial ‘swiping,’ with Birdy you’ll get the chance to read the book before judging the cover.

Download our app for Android or iOS and start connecting with people who ‘get’ you.